The Jones

Or more specifically - "the love jones". I've been having them for a while now. And not just when it comes to romantic love either. My love for my mother, for example, is close to getting me a one-way ticket into a nuthouse in Germany. Seriously. I love the woman so much, I allowed her to set me up on a date. Why, I don't really know for sure.... Other than the fact that she would've have told him I'd said yes anyway. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? Him. Yeah. Because I haven't come out to my mother yet. I know that reason one is that I'm afraid to, but for the rest of it, it's that I'm only about 90% sure I'm a lesbian. My only thing for the par is that every time I start to think I'm finally figuring myself out, I end up questioning myself ten days later. Like, if I don't necessarily mind being with a guy, but would rather be with a girl, doesn't that make me a lesbian? The simply answer I'd told myself was yes originally, but it's not that simple. The truth is, I still like sex with guys, yeah, but it's just not - as good for me.... Or at least, it hasn't been yet. And on the other hand, I still find guys phsically attractive. So for those two points, I'd either be considered bi or straight. Beyond those two aspects, however, I am extremely gay. When I think in terms of possible relationships, of life-long ones, of days of coming home to, having children and a family and balancing a career - I can never picture myself with a guy. I just can't. Which is funny, because in grade school I was one of those girls who writes "mrs. _____" all over everything, and I only had about a dozen guys or so that that happened with every year. xD So, in my mind, I think I'm right, that I am in fact a lesbian. The question is, do I possibly sacrifice my relationship with my mother to be true to myself, or do I sacrifice myself to make her happy?

Another part on the the questioning that is basically the whole reasoning behind this being about the love jones is, of course, a girl. And part of me also wonders if that, due to my liking of this girl, and the fact that she is gay, part of me isn't just trying to force myself to be gay, rather than bi, because I like her.... It's something I would normally say was absurd, because I'm not the type to do something like that, especially if I haven't even technically met the person yet (yeah, we met via net - ain't technology grand?) but the fact of the matter is that no matter how silly it is, or how unlike me - it is still possible.

But on to the love jones themselves. This girl...... We met a while ago, on a fan-based forum, and while I have several friends I've met and talk to in this same manner, none of them is as profound as I feel my friendship with her is. We talk constantly, although not everyday - to my usual dismay. I, in fact, had a slight crush on her before we even started talking privately, simply due to the fact that we would both post on the site, and the things she said.... Well, you get the idea. Hopefully. So anyway, now I know all these things about her, and her me, but have nothing to do with them. Why? Because I won't get my shit together and tell her that my slight crush has turned into a seriously major jones. The kind of crush that makes you all excited just to hear from them - no matter what it that they're saying. And a few people have told me I should step up - including her, without knowing that it was her that I was talking about - but my problem is, even though I like her as much as I do, and it's not like she's the first female I've ever crushed on - I've never told a girl I liked her, much less dated one, if she happened to return the sentiment that is. So I don't really know how it works. I used to have this fear of rejection before I realized (or admitted anyway (to myself, that is)) that I liked girls whatsoever - so that means when it came to guys - and it was mostly about not being their type. Because let's face it, I have had enough evidence thrown in my face to say, I'm not really anyone's type. And yet, I totally am. It's the looks. I ace the personality area like you wouldn't believe (even if I can be a bit annoying and chatty at times (who isn't?) but I balnce it out with quiet and taciturn and sometimes reverence as well... I'm extremely well-balanced, it's just that most people don't really take the time to see both sides - if they take the time to see even one - of me. Because looks-wise, here's what I always hear: "You have a pretty face." And okay, sure, that's nice, and not a lot of girls do when they're my size..... But that's the other phrase I hear that gets me - the one(s) about my size. Gah. Why is that everyone else gets to have an opinion on my orientation, my dreams, or my weight? And even though I know I'm not one of those women who really cares about the size of someone when it comes to me liking them, I still can't say whether it matters to other girls or not.... I just don't have the experience to back it up if I try to. So, for now, I guess it looks like I'm being cowardly and still hiding - from telling my mom, my friends - about me - and from telling this girl that I like her, even though I think I could be falling for her.