Clearly

So I woke up this morning and realized that in last night's blog I sounded kinda - kinda DUMB, to be honest. So I decided to make sure I put this up to get a few things straight.. 1. I don't believe that cutting yourself is the answer... I was simply venting after I'd already done the obviously stupid thing, in the vain hopes that it would help get over my guilt and the stress I caused myself by doing it.... Because me doing somethin like that actually causes a re-stress..... But I somehow trick myself into thinking it's better because it's less stress - at the time I'm doing it...... Plus, I'm not really thinking about those sorts of things when I do something like that.... It's just that I used to do it a long time ago, and unfortunately it is true when they say once a cutter, always a cutter - because even if you never do it again, the temptation's always there... Its like alcoholism...... You have to recover from it. 2. I do have healthier ways of dealing with my stress and my issues.... Unfortunately, at the time that I was dealing with all this shit, none of them were available to me..... And because when I'd come up with this apparently not-so-foolproof system three years ago when I hit rock bottom, I didn't know what to do. I never really thought that I'd be in a situation where I wouldn't be able to deal with my issues in any of the not-completely-healthy-but-still-healthier ways that I'd come up with.... I'd had four outlets... Who needs that damn many anyway? But apparently I need another because I hit that place where I didn't have a way to do any of the things I'd been making sure I did for the last 2 1/2 years rather than those terrible things I did my junior year of high school.... And I lapsed...... I knew it was wrong. But I really wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I was panicking. And trying not to have an attack.. So I lapsed into the only thing I knew.... I grabbed a knife and a razor from the bag, broke it, and - well, I don't really need to explain it any further, do I? And this isn't the first time I've lapsed either, unfortunately... Altho, I do have to say, that all things considered, considering where I was my junior year, and all the shit I went through then... Well, I'm going through a lot more now than I was then, and handling it much better...... Because back then I enjoyed doing that... I liked that it hurt, because if I focused on that hurt, it made everything else that hurt seem insignificant...... Kind of like if you've got a broken leg and you accidentally smash your hand in a drawer.... Unfortunately, the insignificance doesn't last. But now it just hurts.... I still get that clear-headed-ness afterwards, that relief, that pain that makes my emotional pain seem insignificant, that moment of clarity..... But it doesn't last long... And that's how I know I'm still recovering and haven't truly lapsed. Because I drank later that night as well..... A LOT.... And smoked. Had a good time playing "Asshole".... But didn't really get over any of the stuff I was going through from that day until I started talking about it AND writing it down. Unfortunately, I knew that this is what I'm supposed to do.... But like I said, I was unable to do anything I usually do. I have plans for this sort of things. Because when you're recovering from something, you make plans, and back-up plans - and maybe even back-up back-up plans - when you realize that you don't really care all that much for the scenery or the ride on your downhill path - when you start to try to get back up - you have to make those plans, or else you'll be right back in that place you never wanted to be in the first place..... And for most of us who've been there, myself included, you usually lapse almost right away, and that's when you come up with your plans... And it still takes a few times, but eventually you get on track... I had my plans.... have... whichever. Writing, have a cigarette - I say A specifically, because even though smoking's bad, but I do do it, and I used to smoke 3 in a row at the very least when something was wrong, on top of doing other things I shouldn't - watch Comedy Central (something to give me time away from whatever it is that is stressing me out, and get me into a relaxed state, so I can think properly about what happened) or scream at the top of my lungs outside in my yard, or exercise.... Or playing really loud alternative music.... Actually I require combinations of any of these to deal with my problems.... Unfortunately, I had no television, almost no cigarettes, which I still smoked anyways because I usually still need more than one thing to get me to that place where I'm no longer panicking... That place is my priority step, because otherwise I wind up having an attack... I also had absolutely no paper, no pc (which means also no net), and it was way too damn cold to go outside and scream or exercise.... I leave my house as little as possible between November and February... I used to be able to exercise inside, in case you're wondering how I did it before since the months Nov-Feb come every year - however, I just moved into a new apartment.... Virtually one bedroom because the second is being used, and I share with my mother.... There is absolutely no space there.. So I panicked.. And I lapsed... But I do know it was wrong, and I certain don't encourage anyone else to do what I did.... FYI, I actually do have other things as well, but again - unavailable... Painting, drawing, pottery - again things that required things I didn't have...... But I am somewhat proud of myself, even though I did lapse. Reason 1. I realized I lapsed, and pulled myself back from it already.... Because it used to be that I used to cut myself repeatedly... daily.. 2. Because it was smaller... Not the cutting itself.. But my lapse was smaller than it had been in the past..... I think that was partially due to the amount of alcohol I consumed, but whatever... All I know, is that I had a cigarette, played music, (because I could do those 2) and drank and cut... I know it doesn't sound good, but if you knew how far gone I would have been only just a couple years ago, you'd realize how far I've come..... Especially since again, I do realize it was a lapse, not at all good, and was able to deal with stress only days later much better than I did the day of my lapse..... I'm healing.