Issues of the bearer that is me, Woe

Okay, so I just got chewed out by my friend/boss.... Why? Because I started cutting myself again and she found out... I didn't tell her... In fact, I lied to her when she asked me specifically if that was what it was..... But she knew I was lying... I am not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me or get any kind of attention... I'm just doing it to get it out and off my chest.. My mother thinks I need to try and get a hospital to get me put on disability due to my depression... Anyone who knows me will ask me why the hell I'm so depressed.... And any fucker who tells me I'm not or says I'm lying about the trying to get attention thing - fuck you. That's it, that's all I have to say to you assholes... People who want attention when they do that shit don't purposely try to make it look like scratches, or put peroxide onto it so they can claim that that's proof that it was an accident - or try to cover it up with long sleeves.... All of which I do..... Because I didn't want anyone to know... Because I'm ashamed that I did it, that I can't handle the things that I am supposed to have to deal with..... That I'd rather cut myself than gain another 1200 lbs by letting myself be consumed by my old eating disorders... Or lose twenty and let my throat get cut up by allowing myself to drudge up my other one... Yeah, I've had three out of four eating disorders, and I don't hide the first two simply because it's better, at least, than saying I'm fat because I just don't know when to stop. Because I do. I do know when to stop... I just didn't do it anyway... When I was about 15, that is.... The truth is, I actually supremely enjoy healthy food... And that junk food tends to make me nauseauous... Not just because of my past, but because its really just TOO sweet... I would honestly take apples over any day - altho I do seem to harbor a certain weakness for ice cram and cheesecake. My problem seems to be that I got to be so big that its just too difficult to come back from easily. And I am trying. Really, I am. I'm exercising, getting plenty of protein and fiber, low carbs, low calories, low sugar intake - or at least I was... Until I moved back in with my mother...... And the problem is with that, that my mother doesn't really know how to shop for super healthy food on a budget.... I do, but unfortunately I was unable to do the shopping for some stupid reason... (she didnt want me to).... But I've already decided and discussed with her that I'm not going to allow her to jepoardize all my progress the last month and half simply because she's too damn stubborn to admit she needs me to do the budgetting and the shopping... she's not really all that fiscally responsible to be honest.. I think the thing that bothers her the most is that I dont see any problem with me taking over and acting like the responsible adult... and not throwing it in her face... But on the occasion that I do because we're having an argument, she gets pissed off... However, she refuses to own up and act like the responsible one herself... Who cares if my attitude is irresponsible or immature, as long as my actions are those of someone who is?? I sure as hell don't. I wouldn't have so much of a problem, I suppose, with my mother acting like the irresponsible one if she didn't act like it was offensive whenever I tried to act responsible.... Someone needs to, and she sure as hell ain't gonna, so why not let someone who's willing? Sure, it hurts your pride to admit you need help, but imop, if the ends justify the means, as far as something like that is concerned, then what's the big deal?!? Btw, this is really only the tip of the iceberg of my problems with my mother, let alone all of my other issues. Hence, why I cannot handle any stress.... If I'm not having some sort of emotional breakdown, and hurting myself or drinking or smoking or eating too much, I either wind up bottling it up until I explode, having migraines that last for weeks on end and refuse to go away no matter how much damn aspirin I take, or I end up having an asthma attack.... Just last week I had the first one I've had in months, and that doesn't bode well with me. I know I'm dealing with things in an unhealthy way, but there really is no healthy way for me right now, so I just deal with it as best I know how, and trust me, for me, considering my past, this is a lot better than how I've dealt with things previously.