You're Out!

Or rather, I am..... The last two weeks or so have been a whirlwind....... So, I've come out with the truth to my mother.... It happened a lot faster than I expected, really, but then, so did alot of other things.

And the way I discovered the truth was rather interesting in itself... Or at least, what seems to be the truth so far. I'm still feel like I can't be certain until I've had an experience with another woman, but for now I'm one step closer to figuring things out.

So here's what happened. I was at home. A friend of my landlord's, and his roommate, both came over. I really felt like having a good time, cutting loose... Not worrying about anything. So we played "Asshole" Although, I would personally change the name to "Bitch" if I could.

Asshole is a drinking game. Someone throws down a card, and you have to throw down a card equal or higher. If you can't beat it or match it, you drink. If you are saving cards for later in the game (pass), you drink. If someone throws down the same card the person before them did, you get skipped, and you have to drink. And you have to drink for stupidity sometimes, if something you do is obviously very very stupid. Also, if its 2nd round or higher, then anyone can make anyone with a ranking below theirs drink. Lots and lots of drinking. Especially when I'm president. I totally abuse my power.... It's actually a tiny bit more complicated than that, but that's pretty much the gist of it....

Anyway, that's only a small detail. The reason I said is to verify that we drank A LOT.

I can hold my liquor extremely well, but I don't normally drink that much, or that often, just for anyone who cares.

So the real point of the story from that night (or rather that morning, by the time it happened) is that I got kissed.

Funny thing is, I'm the kind of person who, as soon as they'd both left, probably would've danced all around my living room and stupid embarrassing things like that. But that didn't happen. I felt more awkward, uncomfortable, confused..... And not that I didn't know he liked me... He'd asked me out before. But it was like I was waiting to see if I felt anything for him, and then once he kissed me, I knew, I didn't. The thing is, if I'd've been another person, it probably would've confused me more, because he actually was a good kisser..... So I would've wondered if it was just him.. But of course since I'm me and not someone else, it makes me wonder if I was right. It honestly could've been I just wasn't into him, I know that. But it doesn't feel like that all there was to it to me.
I think that really I just need to stop questioning myself so damn much.

I sometimes considering taking my mother's advice.... Well, on this one particular point, anyway.... Which is that I'm only 20. It's not like I NEED to have it all figured out right now. Only problem with that is, I did meet a girl once who refused to date girls who weren't certain they were gay.... And I didn't really get it, but it turned out she was afraid that they would decide they weren't, and go back to a guy....

Wellll - that might be fine for some of those girls to do something like that, but not me. I think that's more on their personality rather than their orientation. I think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with, for example, being a woman who was straight her entire life, save for one relationship she had with a woman, and even after they broke up never again dated another woman. It just happened that that was who she fell for.

You fall for a person, not a gender.

Therefore I wouldn't break up or leave someone simply because I didn't know, and I don't think that that's enough for me to leave them, or for them to say that they wouldn't be in a relationship with me....

I need someone who's okay with me not knowing, as long I know I love them, and so long as they know it too.