You're Out!

Or rather, I am..... The last two weeks or so have been a whirlwind....... So, I've come out with the truth to my mother.... It happened a lot faster than I expected, really, but then, so did alot of other things.

And the way I discovered the truth was rather interesting in itself... Or at least, what seems to be the truth so far. I'm still feel like I can't be certain until I've had an experience with another woman, but for now I'm one step closer to figuring things out.

So here's what happened. I was at home. A friend of my landlord's, and his roommate, both came over. I really felt like having a good time, cutting loose... Not worrying about anything. So we played "Asshole" Although, I would personally change the name to "Bitch" if I could.

Asshole is a drinking game. Someone throws down a card, and you have to throw down a card equal or higher. If you can't beat it or match it, you drink. If you are saving cards for later in the game (pass), you drink. If someone throws down the same card the person before them did, you get skipped, and you have to drink. And you have to drink for stupidity sometimes, if something you do is obviously very very stupid. Also, if its 2nd round or higher, then anyone can make anyone with a ranking below theirs drink. Lots and lots of drinking. Especially when I'm president. I totally abuse my power.... It's actually a tiny bit more complicated than that, but that's pretty much the gist of it....

Anyway, that's only a small detail. The reason I said is to verify that we drank A LOT.

I can hold my liquor extremely well, but I don't normally drink that much, or that often, just for anyone who cares.

So the real point of the story from that night (or rather that morning, by the time it happened) is that I got kissed.

Funny thing is, I'm the kind of person who, as soon as they'd both left, probably would've danced all around my living room and stupid embarrassing things like that. But that didn't happen. I felt more awkward, uncomfortable, confused..... And not that I didn't know he liked me... He'd asked me out before. But it was like I was waiting to see if I felt anything for him, and then once he kissed me, I knew, I didn't. The thing is, if I'd've been another person, it probably would've confused me more, because he actually was a good kisser..... So I would've wondered if it was just him.. But of course since I'm me and not someone else, it makes me wonder if I was right. It honestly could've been I just wasn't into him, I know that. But it doesn't feel like that all there was to it to me.
I think that really I just need to stop questioning myself so damn much.

I sometimes considering taking my mother's advice.... Well, on this one particular point, anyway.... Which is that I'm only 20. It's not like I NEED to have it all figured out right now. Only problem with that is, I did meet a girl once who refused to date girls who weren't certain they were gay.... And I didn't really get it, but it turned out she was afraid that they would decide they weren't, and go back to a guy....

Wellll - that might be fine for some of those girls to do something like that, but not me. I think that's more on their personality rather than their orientation. I think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with, for example, being a woman who was straight her entire life, save for one relationship she had with a woman, and even after they broke up never again dated another woman. It just happened that that was who she fell for.

You fall for a person, not a gender.

Therefore I wouldn't break up or leave someone simply because I didn't know, and I don't think that that's enough for me to leave them, or for them to say that they wouldn't be in a relationship with me....

I need someone who's okay with me not knowing, as long I know I love them, and so long as they know it too.

It's Me Again, Woe (3 out of 5)

yes, She is back,
that fiend, Woe.
She that creeps into me,
body and soul.

gets under my Skin,
and doesn't leave me for weeks
She knocks, i answer -
and i am full of Red leaks....

sometimes i feel She's gone,
and then i turn around -
suddenly there She is,
wearing her ugly crown.

She waits for me,
hiding in Shadows,
and broken Mirrors -
her home sweet home

She reaches for me,
trying to sink her Razor
teeth into my Arms,
handing out candied torture

She detests me...
She mutters under her breath,
cursing me and all i am,
and whispers in my head...

She tells me lies,
and repeats tenfold
that She is all the truth
i will ever own

and i do not dispute,
as She breaks my arm,
rips apart my lungs,
and crushes my Heart

the blackness surrounds me
my breath catches in my throat -
She's choking my windpipe -
i'm trying to stay afloat

but i'm drowning,
falling into her dark cave,
i'm tempted to fight
as She drags me to my grave

drool drips down
and hits me in the eye
i struggle for a while
but realize it's just a Lie

so i stay there, limp
and allow her to bond
her disgusting body
into my own

to allow her mind
to meld to mine

and then We get up,
and return to the rest
of the World, and no
one is any the wiser.

This One Should Have Been Dated November 23rd

My uncle's birthday. Kevin Michael Chambers..... I miss you dearly. I feel I should do more to uphold your name.... Your middle one, obviously. I don't know what the hell the female form of Kevin is, sorry. If you were here, and youknew everything I felt and was going through, I have to wonder what you'd say to me. I know you'd tell me I'm alright, and you love me, because that's who you were. But sometimes I honestly feel I'm not carrying out your legacy enough..... You were one of the kindest people ever, and I would've thought so whether you were family or not. I miss your jokes.... I almost forgot your laugh. I cried when I finally remembered it. I had been so scared I lost the sound of it forever.... I love you.

Clearly

So I woke up this morning and realized that in last night's blog I sounded kinda - kinda DUMB, to be honest. So I decided to make sure I put this up to get a few things straight.. 1. I don't believe that cutting yourself is the answer... I was simply venting after I'd already done the obviously stupid thing, in the vain hopes that it would help get over my guilt and the stress I caused myself by doing it.... Because me doing somethin like that actually causes a re-stress..... But I somehow trick myself into thinking it's better because it's less stress - at the time I'm doing it...... Plus, I'm not really thinking about those sorts of things when I do something like that.... It's just that I used to do it a long time ago, and unfortunately it is true when they say once a cutter, always a cutter - because even if you never do it again, the temptation's always there... Its like alcoholism...... You have to recover from it. 2. I do have healthier ways of dealing with my stress and my issues.... Unfortunately, at the time that I was dealing with all this shit, none of them were available to me..... And because when I'd come up with this apparently not-so-foolproof system three years ago when I hit rock bottom, I didn't know what to do. I never really thought that I'd be in a situation where I wouldn't be able to deal with my issues in any of the not-completely-healthy-but-still-healthier ways that I'd come up with.... I'd had four outlets... Who needs that damn many anyway? But apparently I need another because I hit that place where I didn't have a way to do any of the things I'd been making sure I did for the last 2 1/2 years rather than those terrible things I did my junior year of high school.... And I lapsed...... I knew it was wrong. But I really wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I was panicking. And trying not to have an attack.. So I lapsed into the only thing I knew.... I grabbed a knife and a razor from the bag, broke it, and - well, I don't really need to explain it any further, do I? And this isn't the first time I've lapsed either, unfortunately... Altho, I do have to say, that all things considered, considering where I was my junior year, and all the shit I went through then... Well, I'm going through a lot more now than I was then, and handling it much better...... Because back then I enjoyed doing that... I liked that it hurt, because if I focused on that hurt, it made everything else that hurt seem insignificant...... Kind of like if you've got a broken leg and you accidentally smash your hand in a drawer.... Unfortunately, the insignificance doesn't last. But now it just hurts.... I still get that clear-headed-ness afterwards, that relief, that pain that makes my emotional pain seem insignificant, that moment of clarity..... But it doesn't last long... And that's how I know I'm still recovering and haven't truly lapsed. Because I drank later that night as well..... A LOT.... And smoked. Had a good time playing "Asshole".... But didn't really get over any of the stuff I was going through from that day until I started talking about it AND writing it down. Unfortunately, I knew that this is what I'm supposed to do.... But like I said, I was unable to do anything I usually do. I have plans for this sort of things. Because when you're recovering from something, you make plans, and back-up plans - and maybe even back-up back-up plans - when you realize that you don't really care all that much for the scenery or the ride on your downhill path - when you start to try to get back up - you have to make those plans, or else you'll be right back in that place you never wanted to be in the first place..... And for most of us who've been there, myself included, you usually lapse almost right away, and that's when you come up with your plans... And it still takes a few times, but eventually you get on track... I had my plans.... have... whichever. Writing, have a cigarette - I say A specifically, because even though smoking's bad, but I do do it, and I used to smoke 3 in a row at the very least when something was wrong, on top of doing other things I shouldn't - watch Comedy Central (something to give me time away from whatever it is that is stressing me out, and get me into a relaxed state, so I can think properly about what happened) or scream at the top of my lungs outside in my yard, or exercise.... Or playing really loud alternative music.... Actually I require combinations of any of these to deal with my problems.... Unfortunately, I had no television, almost no cigarettes, which I still smoked anyways because I usually still need more than one thing to get me to that place where I'm no longer panicking... That place is my priority step, because otherwise I wind up having an attack... I also had absolutely no paper, no pc (which means also no net), and it was way too damn cold to go outside and scream or exercise.... I leave my house as little as possible between November and February... I used to be able to exercise inside, in case you're wondering how I did it before since the months Nov-Feb come every year - however, I just moved into a new apartment.... Virtually one bedroom because the second is being used, and I share with my mother.... There is absolutely no space there.. So I panicked.. And I lapsed... But I do know it was wrong, and I certain don't encourage anyone else to do what I did.... FYI, I actually do have other things as well, but again - unavailable... Painting, drawing, pottery - again things that required things I didn't have...... But I am somewhat proud of myself, even though I did lapse. Reason 1. I realized I lapsed, and pulled myself back from it already.... Because it used to be that I used to cut myself repeatedly... daily.. 2. Because it was smaller... Not the cutting itself.. But my lapse was smaller than it had been in the past..... I think that was partially due to the amount of alcohol I consumed, but whatever... All I know, is that I had a cigarette, played music, (because I could do those 2) and drank and cut... I know it doesn't sound good, but if you knew how far gone I would have been only just a couple years ago, you'd realize how far I've come..... Especially since again, I do realize it was a lapse, not at all good, and was able to deal with stress only days later much better than I did the day of my lapse..... I'm healing.

Issues of the bearer that is me, Woe

Okay, so I just got chewed out by my friend/boss.... Why? Because I started cutting myself again and she found out... I didn't tell her... In fact, I lied to her when she asked me specifically if that was what it was..... But she knew I was lying... I am not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me or get any kind of attention... I'm just doing it to get it out and off my chest.. My mother thinks I need to try and get a hospital to get me put on disability due to my depression... Anyone who knows me will ask me why the hell I'm so depressed.... And any fucker who tells me I'm not or says I'm lying about the trying to get attention thing - fuck you. That's it, that's all I have to say to you assholes... People who want attention when they do that shit don't purposely try to make it look like scratches, or put peroxide onto it so they can claim that that's proof that it was an accident - or try to cover it up with long sleeves.... All of which I do..... Because I didn't want anyone to know... Because I'm ashamed that I did it, that I can't handle the things that I am supposed to have to deal with..... That I'd rather cut myself than gain another 1200 lbs by letting myself be consumed by my old eating disorders... Or lose twenty and let my throat get cut up by allowing myself to drudge up my other one... Yeah, I've had three out of four eating disorders, and I don't hide the first two simply because it's better, at least, than saying I'm fat because I just don't know when to stop. Because I do. I do know when to stop... I just didn't do it anyway... When I was about 15, that is.... The truth is, I actually supremely enjoy healthy food... And that junk food tends to make me nauseauous... Not just because of my past, but because its really just TOO sweet... I would honestly take apples over any day - altho I do seem to harbor a certain weakness for ice cram and cheesecake. My problem seems to be that I got to be so big that its just too difficult to come back from easily. And I am trying. Really, I am. I'm exercising, getting plenty of protein and fiber, low carbs, low calories, low sugar intake - or at least I was... Until I moved back in with my mother...... And the problem is with that, that my mother doesn't really know how to shop for super healthy food on a budget.... I do, but unfortunately I was unable to do the shopping for some stupid reason... (she didnt want me to).... But I've already decided and discussed with her that I'm not going to allow her to jepoardize all my progress the last month and half simply because she's too damn stubborn to admit she needs me to do the budgetting and the shopping... she's not really all that fiscally responsible to be honest.. I think the thing that bothers her the most is that I dont see any problem with me taking over and acting like the responsible adult... and not throwing it in her face... But on the occasion that I do because we're having an argument, she gets pissed off... However, she refuses to own up and act like the responsible one herself... Who cares if my attitude is irresponsible or immature, as long as my actions are those of someone who is?? I sure as hell don't. I wouldn't have so much of a problem, I suppose, with my mother acting like the irresponsible one if she didn't act like it was offensive whenever I tried to act responsible.... Someone needs to, and she sure as hell ain't gonna, so why not let someone who's willing? Sure, it hurts your pride to admit you need help, but imop, if the ends justify the means, as far as something like that is concerned, then what's the big deal?!? Btw, this is really only the tip of the iceberg of my problems with my mother, let alone all of my other issues. Hence, why I cannot handle any stress.... If I'm not having some sort of emotional breakdown, and hurting myself or drinking or smoking or eating too much, I either wind up bottling it up until I explode, having migraines that last for weeks on end and refuse to go away no matter how much damn aspirin I take, or I end up having an asthma attack.... Just last week I had the first one I've had in months, and that doesn't bode well with me. I know I'm dealing with things in an unhealthy way, but there really is no healthy way for me right now, so I just deal with it as best I know how, and trust me, for me, considering my past, this is a lot better than how I've dealt with things previously.

Band of the Month

So to expand my personal horizons along with anyone who hapens to read this, I'm starting my own personal band of the monthe blog.... I'd originally thought about doing 'band of the week', but it just seemed that I wouldn't really able to do it often enough for that, so I decided to make it a month... Plus it gives more culpability to ensure I find as many songs as possible by that particular band. xD

So my band of the month this month is:

Fireflight

If you are at all into any indie, rock, alternative, metal - anything like that, you will most likely like this band... I have only heard one of their albums and I already adore them, and have yet to dislike anything they do... They rock hard, have a lead singer whose got amazing vocal capabilities, and their songs have powerful lyrics.... You can of course check them out on youtube, but I have one of their albums as my playlist at http://www.playlist.com/user/35031906
Simply scroll down to the highlighted blue underlined part entitled **FireflightOnly** and click the link.... Enjoy!!

Ps. Just to let any know, I may change it to Band of the Week later on if I change my mind again XD

The Jones

Or more specifically - "the love jones". I've been having them for a while now. And not just when it comes to romantic love either. My love for my mother, for example, is close to getting me a one-way ticket into a nuthouse in Germany. Seriously. I love the woman so much, I allowed her to set me up on a date. Why, I don't really know for sure.... Other than the fact that she would've have told him I'd said yes anyway. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? Him. Yeah. Because I haven't come out to my mother yet. I know that reason one is that I'm afraid to, but for the rest of it, it's that I'm only about 90% sure I'm a lesbian. My only thing for the par is that every time I start to think I'm finally figuring myself out, I end up questioning myself ten days later. Like, if I don't necessarily mind being with a guy, but would rather be with a girl, doesn't that make me a lesbian? The simply answer I'd told myself was yes originally, but it's not that simple. The truth is, I still like sex with guys, yeah, but it's just not - as good for me.... Or at least, it hasn't been yet. And on the other hand, I still find guys phsically attractive. So for those two points, I'd either be considered bi or straight. Beyond those two aspects, however, I am extremely gay. When I think in terms of possible relationships, of life-long ones, of days of coming home to, having children and a family and balancing a career - I can never picture myself with a guy. I just can't. Which is funny, because in grade school I was one of those girls who writes "mrs. _____" all over everything, and I only had about a dozen guys or so that that happened with every year. xD So, in my mind, I think I'm right, that I am in fact a lesbian. The question is, do I possibly sacrifice my relationship with my mother to be true to myself, or do I sacrifice myself to make her happy?

Another part on the the questioning that is basically the whole reasoning behind this being about the love jones is, of course, a girl. And part of me also wonders if that, due to my liking of this girl, and the fact that she is gay, part of me isn't just trying to force myself to be gay, rather than bi, because I like her.... It's something I would normally say was absurd, because I'm not the type to do something like that, especially if I haven't even technically met the person yet (yeah, we met via net - ain't technology grand?) but the fact of the matter is that no matter how silly it is, or how unlike me - it is still possible.

But on to the love jones themselves. This girl...... We met a while ago, on a fan-based forum, and while I have several friends I've met and talk to in this same manner, none of them is as profound as I feel my friendship with her is. We talk constantly, although not everyday - to my usual dismay. I, in fact, had a slight crush on her before we even started talking privately, simply due to the fact that we would both post on the site, and the things she said.... Well, you get the idea. Hopefully. So anyway, now I know all these things about her, and her me, but have nothing to do with them. Why? Because I won't get my shit together and tell her that my slight crush has turned into a seriously major jones. The kind of crush that makes you all excited just to hear from them - no matter what it that they're saying. And a few people have told me I should step up - including her, without knowing that it was her that I was talking about - but my problem is, even though I like her as much as I do, and it's not like she's the first female I've ever crushed on - I've never told a girl I liked her, much less dated one, if she happened to return the sentiment that is. So I don't really know how it works. I used to have this fear of rejection before I realized (or admitted anyway (to myself, that is)) that I liked girls whatsoever - so that means when it came to guys - and it was mostly about not being their type. Because let's face it, I have had enough evidence thrown in my face to say, I'm not really anyone's type. And yet, I totally am. It's the looks. I ace the personality area like you wouldn't believe (even if I can be a bit annoying and chatty at times (who isn't?) but I balnce it out with quiet and taciturn and sometimes reverence as well... I'm extremely well-balanced, it's just that most people don't really take the time to see both sides - if they take the time to see even one - of me. Because looks-wise, here's what I always hear: "You have a pretty face." And okay, sure, that's nice, and not a lot of girls do when they're my size..... But that's the other phrase I hear that gets me - the one(s) about my size. Gah. Why is that everyone else gets to have an opinion on my orientation, my dreams, or my weight? And even though I know I'm not one of those women who really cares about the size of someone when it comes to me liking them, I still can't say whether it matters to other girls or not.... I just don't have the experience to back it up if I try to. So, for now, I guess it looks like I'm being cowardly and still hiding - from telling my mom, my friends - about me - and from telling this girl that I like her, even though I think I could be falling for her.

Chocolate-covered Prejudice

Okay, so first things first.... I will have a recurring chapter called "chocolate-covered prejudice", and each time I put it up, it will cover all of those 'lovely' prejudices and discriminations and things relating to them that society, the media, politician, etc., try to cover up with sugary sour sticky sweetness that just doesn't cut it. You know what I mean - the stuff that's like a gian donut - know matter how good they make it look, it's really bad, and no matter what angle you look at it from, you can almost always see the big gaping hole that shows it's really just a load of crap. Am I making sense?

So, today's chocolate-covered prejudice is simple. My friend Chris (a.k.a., Nelfy) posted this on her blog, and asked others to pass it on.....

1. Being Gay Is Not Natural

And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts...

2. Gay Marriage Will Encourage People To Be Gay

In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing Gay Marriage Will Open The Door To All KindsOf Crazy Behavior

People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4. Straight Marriage Has Been Around A Long Time And Hasn't Changed At All

Hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight Marriage Will Be Less Meaningful If Gay Marriage Were Allowed

And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6. Straight Marriages Are Valid Because They Produce Children

So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously Gay Parents Will Raise Gay Children

Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay Marriage Is Not Supported By Religion

In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children Can Never Succeed Without A Male And A Female Role Model

Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay Marriage Will Change The Foundation Of Society; WeCould Never Adapt To New Social Norm

Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Repost This If You Think Love Makes A Marriage